Tag Archives: Journal

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. God is good.

Today was the day we went up to UC San Francisco. We left at 9am this morning and arrived around 11:30. When the doctor came in, she was one of the assistants to the surgeon, and she started asking many questions, getting a feel for Michelle’s background, and to help her to know what to look for in the suitcase full of reports we had brought with us. After gathering the information, she returned with the actual surgeon to talk with us about the situation.

Basically, there was a lot of conflicting information in the reports, especially related to the surgeries, post surgery information, and hospital stays related to the nausea and vomiting. One thing they could say fairly for certain was that it didn’t appear to be something that needed more surgery. They couldn’t be 100% certain of that, though, so they wanted to get some additional tests and refer her to a couple other specialists and UCSF, an endocineologist and a GI doctor. He said it would be a miracle if we were able to see either of them today.

Well, God works miracles. We were able to get in to see the GI doctor today. So, we went to see him, and told him about the problems. He asked some other questions, before coming back and said “I know what this is.” Apparently he is familiar with the Whipple surgery and post surgery complications. He said that what she has is something that isn’t common, but he has seen many times before and was almost 100% certain that her problem has to do with the nerves in her intestines. They aren’t working right and this is causing the body to think it is sick, and react accordingly.

He presecribed her a medication that she will start taking tomorrow that should help. It is a type of anti-depressant, but it is being used to help with the intestines, not for depression. In addition, he gave her an antibiotic for her bloating and gas that causes additional discomfort.

With regards to the medicine specifically for her intestines, she is to start with one pill each night for a week. If she is feeling better, then she needs to stay at that level, otherwise, she can increase to two a night for another week, up to a maximum of four a night. If after a month she hasn’t improved, he said there were other medications that they could do to help her. I’m praying, though, that one pill will be enough, and she’ll start feeling better by next Friday.

This is certainly 100x better than having another surgery, and is an answer to prayer. Please keep praying for healing, though, as we don’t want to keep doing the medicine experimentation that already causes us a lot of problems.

Another prayer request is for the antibiotic. She is only supposed to take it for 10 days, but insurance isn’t going to cover it. To buy it over the counter, we’d have to pay over $300, which we do not have. The pharmacy is faxing the doctor’s office, to try to get his office to get insurance to pay for it. It might be a week before we get an answer. This one is for the gas and bloating, so, while it is important, it isn’t quite as critical as the medication that was covered by insurance.

Our God is an awesome God!

That is how I feel at times, especially right now. I know I’m not really drowning, but it sure feels that way. Part of me is screaming at me to just give up. There’s no hope in going on. Things are never going to change. Of course, that is only my flesh looking at the temporal circumstances that I find myself in currently. Let’s take a look at my “temporal” circumstances for a moment. Not that it will “justify” anything, but simply to give a better understanding.

In 2000, Michelle and I started dating. Early in 2002, Michelle had lost her job due to health issues (mainly fatigue). She wasn’t let go for the health reasons, of course, as they found another excuse to let her go. A few months later, I began to support her financially, even though she was living with her sister, and I was renting the room at a house with a bunch of other Christian men. Finally, on December 21, 2002, Michelle and I got married. It was an awesome day. The Lord totally blessed our wedding day beyond what we had expected. You might have read about it in previous blog entries. God is good.

In September of 2003, the company I was working for had restructured, which forced Michelle and I to move from Southern California to Northern California. We hadn’t even been married a year, and we were moving 400 miles away from our family and friends. We both knew that it was God that orchestrated that move. Not long after we moved, though, Michelle’s health issues began to worsen.

July 2004, just a year and a half into our marriage, Michelle was told she had a tumor on her pancreas and would have to have a major surgery to get it removed. This surgery, known as the Whipple, is the most invasive abdominal surgery a person can have, more dangerous than heart surgery. They literally removed the tumor, part of her pancreas, part of her stomach, her gall bladder, some of her intestines, and “rewired” her GI tract. She was in the hospital for 10 days, then a week later, was in for another 10 days from complications due to dehydration, nausea and vomiting.

November 2004, she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and, a day before Thanksgiving, she had to have surgery to remove her thyroid. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of the health issues, it was only the beginning.

The next few months didn’t see any surgeries, but there were numerous hospital trips for nausea, vomiting, pain and other physical and mental health issues. It wasn’t until December of 2006 that she had her next surgery, to remove a herniated disk from her neck. Then again in January of 2007 to remove scar tissue in her abdomen that resulted from the whipple surgery.

Since her first surgery, we had numerous visits to various emergency rooms, even when we were on vacation. Mostly it was relating to nausea and vomiting, due to her body not digesting food as it should, which is related to the original surgery. We had at least one visit to the emergency room a month, sometimes more, and had numerous hospital stays as well.

Last week, Thursday, December 6, was Michelle’s birthday. At that time, she was told she would have to have her whipple surgery “revised” and that we would have to go to the University of California in San Francisco (UCSF), where her new surgeon would be. In addition, she was told that she had MEN Syndrome, which is a condition that creates tumors (either benign or cancerous) in her endocryne system, hence why she had the pancreatic tumor and thyroid cancer.

As if that weren’t enough, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, she had to go to the Emergency Room for nausea, pain and vomiting. Finally, on Monday, she was admitted to the hospital for treatment. She was released today, so that we can go to the appointment tomorrow.

Unfortunately, all of this also forced us to cancel our vacation plans. We had planned on leaving for Southern California on Saturday. Monday through Friday was going to be spent in Indio, near Palm Springs, where we would celebrate our five year anniversary. The rest of the time would be spent with family and friends celebrating the holidays. Instead, I will be going down on the 24th, taking the gifts we have for the family, and Michelle will be staying home. I will spend the 25th with my family, and return home on the 26th. It will be extremely difficult leaving Michelle alone, knowing the health issues she has right now.

Tonight hasn’t been any easier. Michelle was upset about her limited diet, and when I talked to her about it, she felt like I was treating her like a child. She was claiming that the doctor in SF would HAVE to admit her tomorrow, because she couldn’t deal with this any more. She was also very upset about the cancellations, not being able to celebrate as planned, and not being able to see her friends and family. All of this, of course, caused her to lash out at me.

I don’t blame her for any of that, but it does wear me out, and at times, makes me feel worthless and helpless. I hate having to tell her “the doctor said you can’t eat that.” I know if she does, she’ll wind up back in the hospital. I hate seeing her in pain and suffering. I hate seeing her upset. I love her too much.

This PM, though, only talks about some of the many health related issues. With insurance we’re paying about $200 per month (average $10-$15 co-pay) on medicine. That should give you a general idea. Add to that the financial pressures and stress of work issues. The company I work for sells software to the mortgage industry, and if you’ve heard the news about the mortgage industry in the US now, you will know the difficult position that makes for the company I work for. There are talks and rumors of more restructuring that could move my office to San Jose, 70 miles away. That would make a painful commute, especially considering gas prices.

I feel like I’m at wit’s end. I feel like I want to give up. Michelle and I pray for healing. We cry out to God for relief. We get prayer at our church. We’re on several different prayer chains, and have been since this all started. I know God can heal, and I trust that He will heal her. At times, though, I just get so tired.

That being said, though, I’m not giving up. I will cling to the Lord with everything that I have, no matter how small. I will continue to seek Him. I will continue to pray. I will continue to pray with my brothers in the Lord. I will continue to lift up my beautiful bride, knowing that God loves us both, and He will do His perfect will in our lives, whatever that might be.

Things are difficult. Life is hard. Darkness seems to surround me. Despite all of that, I cry out to God from the depths. I cry out for mercy. I cry out for grace. He is the only one who can sustain my wife and I during these very difficult times.

There are times that I wish the Lord would just return and then all these stupid worldly issues will go away. I’m tired, too tired. The stress of life seems unbearable at times, and then I struggle with issues here as well.

Finances are tight, they have been for a while, and now we’re slipping farther behind. There is a reason for the financial troubles, but nothing I can post about publically. It is limited to a couple pastors at our church, and a couple really close friends from church.

Medical is another issue that keeps going and going. If it isn’t one thing with Michelle, it is another. We go from one doctor to another, and spend a couple hundred dollars per month in medication.

Then there are the struggles here. The debate discussion caused a lot of discussion, on the forums, via PM and through IM. So many different things, being attacked from so many different angles, simply for trying to facilitate the discussion that other members wanted. And now, when I start a discussion relating to teaching, people seem to think I have ulterior motives, or that I’m trying to add new rules, even though I have stated in that thread that it isn’t for rules, but for discussion.

I don’t blame anyone for their reactions, but I really wish that people would take the time to read, and if something isn’t clear, to ask me, instead of simply jumping to conclusions and attacking.

Maybe it would be better if I never voice an opinion here again. Maybe it would be better if I don’t start any new discussions. Keep to fellowship threads only, king of the thread and name games. Then maybe I won’t have people assuming that I’ve got ulterior motives.

I know, I chose to serve on the wiki team. I need to expect flak. I chose to be a moderator, and that red M opens me up to more criticism. I don’t mind the criticism. I can even understand when reports are appealed. Those don’t bother me, but the apparent constant attacks after I’ve explained myself? That is where it starts getting wearisome.

Just needed to share that, and get it off my chest. I’m not upset with anyone, or even looking for anyone’s sympathy or apologies. I just wanted to share.

Well, we’re home from our week vacation in Solvang, California. We own timeshare with WorldMark and stayed in our resort in Solvang. We arrived on Friday afternoon (August 27). A couple hours later, Michelle’s sister, brother-in-law, and father arrived from Southern California. It took them a little longer than expected, as they hit traffic heading through Los Angeles and Santa Barbara.

That first night was spent at the resort. We picked up some food at the grocery store to have tacos that night for dinner. The next day we walked through downtown Solvang, having lunch and walking down the streets looking at shops. The weather was nice, being only around 85 (give or take a couple degrees) and sunny the whole time we were there.

Saturday night, we drove out of town a few minutes to A.J. Spurs restaurant in Buellton. There is a franchise of this restaurant in Marina, a couple miles from where we live, and it is one of our favorite places to eat. We went there to celebrate Michelle’s sister’s and father’s birthdays.

Michelle’s sister, brother-in-law and father left on Sunday afternoon. We enjoyed the time they spent there, and looked forward to the rest of the week. Unfortunately, at almost 2am, Michelle woke me up saying she was extremely nauseated and in pain, and needed to go to the emergency room. Something we were both hoping to avoid on vacation.

We went to the small hospital a couple miles away, and she was the only patient in the emergency room. They were very nice there, and had a TV in the room, which made things a little easier. They did a lot of tests, including an X-Ray and CT Scan, and everything came back normal. Only bad thing was that her IV infiltrated right at the end of the CT Scan. We left there at around 6am Monday morning and went back to our room.

Monday was a rest and relaxation day around the room, partly recovering from the long night. On Tuesday, we went out and did a couple things around town, including getting Michelle a massage. We didn’t do a lot, and mostly remained around the resort.

Wednesday morning, we got a call from the hospital, asking about the infiltration. I don’t recall ever having an E.R. doctor, nurse or technician call us before. They wanted to make sure everything was ok, and asked if we could go into the E.R. to have it checked. My parents were supposed to arrive that day as well, which made the timing interesting, to say the least.

We went to the E.R. and got in quickly. The place was almost empty, but we weren’t alone this time. We didn’t spend nearly as long there this time, as the doctor just examined her arms, said it was looking good, no sign of infection, and released her.

My parents arrived early afternoon, about an hour later than planned due to construction and traffic in Santa Barbara. They stayed with us until Friday, and we did a few different things with them. We went into Los Alamos to see the western looking downtown section, and Los Olivos to see it’s “Mayberry” look.

We checked out and headed home on Friday afternoon. It was a great vacation, and a nice time away from home, despite the two visits to the hospital. Tomorrow, I return to work. Would have liked a longer vacation, but that was all we could afford at this time. We still did enjoy it, though.