Category Archives: Letter of Reflection

Suzette,

This Letter of Reflection I am writing in the format of a letter to you. I have many Letters of Reflection dealing with my dreams, including one I wrote just last night (Actually a few hours ago). This will summarize all my dreams for you, and myself. Since only I and my closest of friends read these letters, the dreams will be as complete as I can think.

First off, I would like to start with the family. Always, I have had a longing in my heart to have a family one day. I would like to make enough money so that I may literally spoil my wife, whomever that might be. I do not want money to be an issue when my wife see something that she “absolutely must have.”

Now, I would also like to be making enough money so that both I and my wife could be home to raise our kids. In my dreams, I have one boy and one girl. The kids would be raised in a good Christian environment, and should not have to suffer the low self-image that I had to suffer through.

From there, I will move on to my home. I have always wanted to live in a home down near San Deigo. Being born and raised here in Southern California, I love the area. There is just so much to do in this region, all within a couple hours. The reason I choose San Deigo, is because I hate the heat here in the Inland Empire and other parts of Southern California. San Deigo coastal temperatures rarely reach 90 degrees, and rarely fall below 40 degrees. The average day-time temperature, year-round is around 60 – 80 degrees.

The house will be a large beachfront estate. It will also have a large yard, so the kids will have a safe place to play, without having to worry as much about the worries that we have in the country today.

My “luxury family” car would probably be a Lexus or a BMW. I haven’t quite decided on that item yet. I would also like a sportscar, such as the Acura NSX.

Traveling will be an enjoyment also. Upon going Diamond in the business, Amway Corporation gives a full, all expense paid trip to Peter Island. The most prestigious island in the Caribbean. The island, Peter Island, is completely owned by the Amway Corporation.

To travel to Walt Disney World has always been a particular fancy for me. I love going to Disneyland, but to be able to see Walt Disney World would be great. All the theme parks in the Orlando, Florida area are a must see.

Travel to stay at various five-star resorts across the country would be fun. Even resorts across the world. Imagine, lying on the beaches of the Mediterranean. Shopping the street shops in Paris or London, or just touring the Old European Landmarks.

All those dreams, when I think about it, seem so out of reach, yet I know, that through my business, I can attain those dreams.

You had asked me what my dreams are, and I told you I would let you know. Well, here they are. They are typed in here as a Letter of Reflection. A copy of this letter will remain with me, and my other Letters of Reflection, since all are literal reflections of myself. My dreams are always growing and changing, as you can see from my first Letter of Reflection titled “Dreams.” Perhaps in another 5 years, when I am making a 7+ figure income, my dreams might make these dreams look like peas in comparison.

There are many vehicles out there for making money. According to the Social Security Administration, 98% of the vehicles cause the driver to be dead or broke by the age of 65. I know that World Wide Dreambuilders is the vehicle that will put me in the 2% bracket of financial freedom. It is my goal to be completely retired from work before the last year of the millineum.

Loneliness is a powerful enemy. It is sometimes through loneliness that Satan can grip into our souls. At one time, not too long ago, the pull of loneliness was overwhelming. Even today, my heart still feels the pain of loneliness.

On July 4, 1996, I understood, for the first time, what it meant to have Christ in my life. Once I finally made that commitment to Christ, a new sense of peace filled me. A large void in my soul had been filled.

Recently, I have felt some of the old hurt returning. It may not be as overwhelming as before, but when it strikes, it hurts. The loneliness is not the spiritual loneliness felt by the separation from God, but the loneliness of the person (for lack of a better term).

God created us to serve Him. When we don’t follow that natural order, we feel spiritual loneliness. But God also created us to mate. Actually, that term is not quite right. Marriage, union, whatever. God meant for man and woman to be “one.”

True, God grooms some to be single. There is not, contrary to belief, “someone for everyone.” What I wonder, is what God has in store for me. It is not my place to question Him. If it is His will, so be it.

Something deep inside tells me I am not going to remain single. I also hope that I will, one day, be married.

It is my dream to be married. I would like to have a kind, loving, and supportive Christian wife, whom I can love, support, and “spoil.” In my heart, I know, it would give me great joy to love and support a wife.

It is also my dream to have kids one day. Perhaps a boy and a girl. That, too, has been my dream.

There is a hole in my hear. It is just large enough for a family. A family to love and to serve.

Before that dream can come to reality, I need to find a girlfriend. To date, I have not had a girlfriend, though I have had many female friends. Every time I make friends with another female, I wonder, “Is this person whom the Lord set aside for me?”

I never know the answer. One day, I might learn it, and it will probably come from where I least expect it.

There is a lot going on in my life at this time. I haven’t written one of these in a while, so I will try and get some things caught up. I hope I don’t miss anything.

Well, I will start by going back a ways. I will return to 1995 and start explaining from there. As you might have read from some previous letters, early in 1995, I met Heidi. We went out a few times, to movies and the like, and I was hoping that we would be able to get a better relationship. Well, back in July, she started avoiding me. I do not know whether or not it was on purpose, but I took the hint. She knew how to get a hold of me, she just never did. Life goes on. I later heard that she had only been using me. Whether that is true or not, I do not know. I don’t really care either. If she did, that was her problem. I offered my friendship, if she chose to abuse it, so be it.

Also, back in March, I moved in with Steve. That situation started out fine, but after his girlfriend, Deanna, was pregnant, he began to become a real jerk. He did not want to pay the bills, and made life generally difficult for me. On July 1, I moved out of the apartment and back in with my parents, where I still am today.

In October, if I remember correctly, I met Renee. Renee introduced me to the Amway business and to World Wide Dreambuilders. This organization and my feelings towards it has been covered in other letters, so I won’t talk much more about it now.

Just prior to Christmas, Renee invited me to go with her to Harvest Christian Fellowship in Riverside. At that time, I was not really going to church much. I didn’t like some of the beliefs of the Catholic Church, so I used that as an excuse not to go. I thought I was still a Christian, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was mistaken. It is interesting to note, that On December 8, I wrote a letter of reflection about my views on religion. Looking back at it, I realize that I was asking for the Lord’s help, and, wouldn’t you know it, the Lord helped me. I took my first real step of faith for Christ that night, and stepped forward to accept Christ into my life. Unfortunately, looking back, my heart wasn’t entirely into it.

I tried to go back to the Catholic Church for a while, and attended Harvest and Calvary Chapel of Chino Hills a couple times, but, I began to fall astray again. Then, on July 4, 1996, I went to the first night of the Harvest Crusades (I went to all four nights). It was there that I joined thousands of others on the field at Angels Stadium to finally accept Christ into my life. With His help, I will not falter again. Since that time, I have gone to Harvest Christian Fellowship regularly.

Well, I suppose that about ties up some of the loose ends from the past year. I realize, looking back on these letters, that various things are often left out. I thought that, before I continue, I should get caught up on the details.

Now, for the current situation. For this, I do need to backtrack a little ways again. Here I am 23, almost half way to 24, and I still have never had a girlfriend. Since that little situation with Heidi, I hadn’t really been looking. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your point of view), someone came along, and I am now in a bind that I have felt myself in twice before. Only this time, the situation is slightly different, and more confusing for me.

Donna is another security officer that works at the mall. She was hired just after the Christmas season in ’94, although she worked at the mall for a contract security company during the Christmas season. I had talked to her a little bit when I worked the same shift as she did, but I never thought anything more than acquaintance.

Through the time we had both worked at the mall, I began to learn a few things about her, as well as others on staff. I had learned that she had been married, and her ex-husband had been recently released from jail. She also had two young daughters, and was living with her parents. Beyond that, I didn’t know much. It had never even crossed my mind during the time I had worked with her, that I would even consider her as a girlfriend (no offense to her).

A couple months back, I believe it was June, I had been talking to her, as a friend. She had told me that her parents were out of state, and they took her kids with them, so she was home alone. Through the conversation, I learned that she was going to spend her weekend at home, just enjoying the time alone.

Well, I walked the mall a little bit, and thought to myself, “I haven’t been to Disneyland in a while. It would be nice to go with a friend.” So, when I saw her again, I asked her if she had some extra money to go to Disneyland. I told her that I couldn’t afford to pay, but if she wanted to go, I would take the day off work (call off sick) and we could go to Disneyland.

That is exactly what we did, and we had fun. The thing was, we went as friends, nothing more. Even at that time, I didn’t think any more of it. Things work out strangely at times.

In mid-July, my dad and I went and saw Independence Day. We wanted to get out of the house since my mother was having a bridal shower for my cousin, Jennifer. The movie was great, and I talked with Donna about it one day at work. She hadn’t seen it, so I asked her to the movies.

Well, we didn’t see Independence Day, instead we saw a double feature of The Rock and Eraser. The next day, Donna went with me to Harvest. She was born and raised Catholic, but hadn’t been to church in a while. She had heard about Harvest before, but never had anyone to go with. She asked if she could go with me, and I would not turn her down.

Later, I had helped Donna install a modem into her computer. Donna has also gone with me to church every week. We even went to the movies again, and saw Chain Reaction. The day we saw Chain Reaction was quite interesting. I met Donna at her house after I got off work. There, she told me that her kids were at a birthday party and Barney was going to be there. She said she wanted to be there to see the reaction on her kids faces. So, I went with her to this birthday party and saw Barney.

Last night was a great night. At church, Donna chose to go forward and accept Christ into her life at Harvest. Each week I had gone with her to Harvest, I had hoped she would do that. She finally did. After church, we went to Carl’s Jr. While we were there, we were talking about various things (of course). During the conversation, I brought up the problems I had growing up, and the low self-esteem I had not too long ago. There are very few people that I would talk to about that, because it still hurts to talk about. I could hear the strain in my voice as I talked, and Donna told me that she could also.

Well, over the time of going out as friends, I have become more attracted to Donna, and her daughters, Danielle and Katie. I know that I am falling for her, but I don’t know if that is good or bad. I mean, I don’t have enough money for myself, let alone having a girlfriend. And what about a girlfriend that has two kids? I never intended that to be a factor for me, but it is.

On Saturday, my cousin Jennifer was married to Evan Martin. The wedding and reception caused me to think about things again. Jennifer is six months younger than I am, and she is the first to get married. I am very glad for her, yet I wondered what was in store for me. At the reception, I found myself wondering who the person was for me, and if it was Donna.

The Lord put Donna into my life for a reason. If that reason was only to bring her back to Him, I have done that, and I am glad for it. But, I find myself wondering if the Lord has put us into each other’s lives to be together. That thought scares me mostly because of her kids. Again, I don’t want that to be a factor, but it is.

Through my various times talking with Donna, I learned more about her, about her family, and about her ex-husband. The way she describes her ex to me, I am glad she divorced him. Apparently, this guy has no job, so he doesn’t give Donna any money to help support the kids, he is into drugs, and more. Yesterday, she told me that she wants to marry someone, just so her future husband could adopt her kids, then her ex would have no more rights to them, since he doesn’t help now.

I wonder… Would she have told that to any of her friends? Or some of the other things we have talked about? I know that I am falling for her, and that is clouding my judgment a bit. But, I also enjoy her daughters, too. I am sure she sees that. Sometimes I wonder what she was thinking when I was playing with Danielle and Katie.

I think there is another reason the Lord put us together. I now have motivation to build my business. If Donna is the person the Lord has set aside for me, I want to be making a lot more money than I am now. In a way, Donna has become my motivation, although she doesn’t know that. I don’t know if we will be more than just friends, but if we are, I want to be prepared.

I will close this letter now. My confusion still remains, yet I know one thing. I will make more money, so I might do more things, and get out on my own. Let the Lord reveal his plans with Donna when He feels the time is right.

What has been happening lately? For a while, things seemed to have been going along great. Now….

Sometimes, I just don’t know why I put up the things I put up with. Is it really worth the trouble?

You are probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Well, I’ll tell you. I’m not writing this letter for nothing.

Back in February, I decided to get an apartment with Steve, a guy I work with. His girlfriend, Deanna, also was getting the apartment with us. On March 1st, we moved in.

From that time on, things appeared to be going good. We all got along fine. Even personally, things were going good. I got some new boots and jeans, and I got contact lenses. It was a new look for me.

Now, the apartment, phone and electric bills were all in my name. I did not want the responsibility, but I knew that way the bills would be paid. I do not want anything to hurt my credit rating.

The two last times, I had to drag the money out of Steve to pay the bills. He did pay, so there was no problem.

Now, it is time to pay the rent and phone again. Deanna gave me her check, but Steve has yet to give me his. Just today (yesterday) he told me that he would give me the check, but he wants it with mine, so it is not cashed until the 1st.

All I want to do is pay the bills on time. Steve tells me I worry too much. He tells me they won’t cancel if it is a day or two late. I knew that, and I don’t like that. I want my bills paid ON TIME or EARLY, not a day or two late. Is that so wrong?

I have already written the check to Pacific Bell and sealed the envelope before Steve told me this. I am considering sending off the apartment check also. What I’ll do is take Steve’s checks, hold on to them, and deposit them on the 1st. Deanna’s check will cover Steve’s portion of the phone bill, and the apartment check won’t clear until at least the 1st, so I’ll be safe.

That is not all. The kitchen is always a mess. Now, after I eat, I clean my dishes. Deanna will, too. Steve, on the other hand, leaves the dishes in the sink, most with food still in them. It is disgusting, I hate it. I try and confront him on it, and he just brushes it off.

I have gone beyond annoyed, but I am stuck. I refuse to get into an argument with him, and the lease is six months long. I am beginning to think I should never have moved out.

August is the last month of the lease. As of September 1st, I am pulling my name off the lease, the phone bill, and the electric bill. I will actually move out in August. Deanna is pregnant, I’ll just that as my excuse.

What will I do then? August is coming quickly. I’ll probably move back in with my parents for a while. I cannot afford to live alone. I’ll find someone I TRUST to get an apartment with. A good friend of mine, Mario, will be out of the Marines in August. Perhaps he’ll want to get an apartment. I don’t know.

Right now, all I know is, I WANT OUT! Living here is starting to depress me. I hate being depressed as much as I hate conflict. August cannot come too quickly.

I have written other letters like this before and will probably do it for a long time. I am always trying to learn what really makes me tick. I will probably always wonder why I do or don’t do something. Why do I cause myself pain, mostly mental? Will I ever know? Probably not, but with these letters, I search for the answer.

Since I don’t remember everything I put in other letters, a lot of what I write may sound redundant, but that is fine by me. I am probably the only one who reads them.

Growing up was quite difficult for me. I never really had any good friends. To me, a good friend is someone whom you can trust, and who will be there in times of trouble.

In Elementary School, I tried really hard to be liked. Looking back, I think I was a hyper child. One problem, that was a bit large, was I was a pathological liar. Why I was that way, I don’t know. I grew out of it, thank God. Needless to say, that alone caused many problems.

My two longest lasting friendships are with Mario and Richard. Richard and I become quick friends in my 3rd Grade year. Richard was two grades ahead and a year and a half older. He lived two houses down also. What made it easier was we had the same likes and dislikes (pretty much.) But, as we grew up, we grew apart. Our interests changes as we saw less of each other. We are still friends, though.

Mario and I are the same age, and I met him in the 3rd Grade also. I was never as close to him, but there was always a sort of bond between us. Mario is overseas now, in the Marines, but will be home soon. While not a good friend, we are still very close.

Because of my lack of friends, I tried hard to make friends. Instead, I made enemies (for the lack of a better word.) These kids would always tease me, and tried to pick fights with me. I knew I could not win, so I ran away. I still remember the childish tauntings as I ran away with tears in my eyes.

In Junior High, I grew more withdrawn. I had kids I didn’t even know harassing me. But instead of running, I would stand my ground. I was terrified, yet I would not show them that. As a result, I soon became afraid of being afraid. How else can I put it?

I met Steve in our 7th Grade year. We become friends quickly, and in our Senior Year, he became my first good friend. He is married now, and I have not seen much of him since before X-mas. I hope he would call or page, I would like to talk to him again.

Logically, following Junior High can High School. I still had problems with others, but they were minor. Through my first three years, I fairly isolated. No one seemed to like me. I wonder if this was really true, or a result of low self-esteem.

Speaking of my self-esteem, I believe it was pretty much shot by the time of my Senior Year. I believed no one liked me, and found the smallest reasons why.

My Senior Year was my turning point. Most of the thanks goes to my Group Dynamics teacher, Mr. Vaniman. I will never forget him. I also made several friends that year. In addition my good friends appeared that year.

I met Sebastian originally in my Freshmen Year, but we did not become friends until just before our Senior Year. I really got to know him in our Senior Year. Today, he and I are best friends, yet we are total opposites. I would trust Sebastian completely. (In fact, he and I are going to Disneyland again today.)

Holly was another good friend I had in my Senior Year. I met her that year and became friends with her. I soon grew to like her personality. I took my friends to point out that I had a crush on her. But this wasn’t until much later.

During our Senior Year, I asked her to the Prom. She turned me down kindly. About a year later, I wrote a letter and told her how I felt. She told me she did not want a relationship. We are still good friends, though. She is currently in Army training in Texas. She should be home soon. I would like to see her again.

After graduation, I kept in contact with many of my friends. I was supposed to join the Air Force. I got as far as Basic Training, but was unable to handle the stress. I sometimes wish it was different.

After getting out of the Air Force, I was hired at Subway. I worked there for three months before I was hired at Fedco. At this time, my self-esteem was still rather low, but it was slowly improving.

While I worked for Fedco, I met Patty. She and Holly helped me to change “my look.” The change was minor, but it helped my self-esteem. I had my first kiss with Patty, even though we were not boyfriend/girlfriend. She wanted to show me how to kiss.

I worked for Fedco for a year and a half. After I quit, I did not see Patty again.

While I was working for Fedco, I was also working for Steve’s girlfriend’s mother, at Medical Reimbursement Specialists. Steve got me the job. Needless to say, it was overly stressful. I worked there six months before my stress got the better of me, and I quit.

I went a month without a job before I was hired by Burns International Security Services. I worked there a year before being hired for Security at the Galleria at Tyler in Riverside. I’ve been working at GAT for a year now and am not YET looking for another job.

I have just recently turned 22, and my self-esteem is greatly improving. I have made many new friends at the Galleria. Among them are Steven whom I work with and Deanna, his girlfriend. I have an apartment with Steve and Deanna.

More importantly, I made another good friend, Heidi. Heidi works at Howard and Phil’s Western Wear, and I met her under interesting circumstances. I could write pages, but I am running out of time. Needless to say, we are good friends, and I like her a lot. I need only to build the courage to tell her. Perhaps later.