Author Archives: Michelle

It’s been hard to go back to my childhood and adolescence. I was so angry at anyone and everyone especially God. How could he take away my mom? I was trying to please her and nothing I did made her happy. I had a best friend that was there. Her name is Kristina. Also, my flute teacher was a very good friend. But I felt so alone and isolated. Alcohol became my best friend. I wanted to numb myself from everything. I now look back and wish that I had been there for my sister. She was hurting just as much as me and didn’t understand why mom was gone. I don’t know how she felt or even feels now. Sometimes I think that she numbs or turns off her emotions so she won’t fall into a depression. I know that this all sounds very bleak but these are my memories. Things were fun too. Like when we used to go to Oak Glenn and go camping. I had so much fun and Stacie and I got along then. We played barbies too. Band was my only joy in high school. My dad was there as well as my sister. I loved getting dressed up in uniform and go out there on the field and put all of my energy and hard work into the field show.

When I first became a Christian on February 14, 1993 I never thought that I would face such hardships and tragedies. I had already faced the hardest tragedy of the my life when my mom died when I was fourteen and Stacie was nine. My parents had just gotten divorced six months prior. My mom and I started to not get along when I was thirteen. She always wanted to be away from me but took favor to Stacie. My dad seemed to take favor of me. They played us against the other parent which tore me apart. When mom died I felt like I had to grow up so quick even though I was so immature and didn’t know how to take this new responsibility that my grandparents unknowingly had put on me. I turned to alcohol and partying to try to numb myself. I did try pot once in high school at my friend’s house but said alcohol took the pain away much better. Not knowing that even then the Lord was putting His hand on me. I felt that I had no one to talk to except my loving cat Tina. Tina was born when I was eight so when my parents fought and the fighting at times got pretty bad; I turned to Tina. My question is who did Stacie turn to? Food. She gained weight in the first grade and all I could do was degrade her not realizing that she was reaching out for help in any way she could. How does a seven year old deal with such dysfunction in the home. I don’t blame myself because I was dealing with things the only way I knew how to. God was there the whole time comforting me; putting His loving arms around me and becking me to turn to Him. I just was blind. I blamed myself for so much of what they fought about. I can’t figure out why except I understand that children tend to blame themselves for things that have nothing to do with them. I hope that Stacie does not blame me for teasing her so severely. I am now about 80lbs overweight and know how hard it is to be obese and I think “How could I have done that to my little sister whom I love so much?” I have been trying to get a hold of her to ask her if she ever and still holds anything against me. When mom died, I felt like my heart had been ripped from me. I felt as if it were my fault; giving her so much strife. I was a teenager and we all know how they can get.